Sacrifices

I have a battle every day, a mental campaign that tends to take its toll on so much of me.  So I take medication to even out my temperament, to balance my negative with my positive, and to make me a creature that does not allow my emotions to run my life.  These little pills help me stay focused on tasks as hand and hamper my tendency to wander through my head and my past.  Like everything in life, this illness and its many layers of abnormality that are calmed by the use of prescription drugs have side affects which are both positive and negative.  The largest drawback I can find with their use is my loss of creativity.  The nullifying of my emotions, the removing it from the surface like taking a loofah to my skin, has left me unable to write, to paint, to create.  I am dull.  And it is not only in my ability to concoct and design that is affected, it is my communications skills as well.  I find I do not wish to begin conversations, where as I was once the life of the party.  There are many times, now, where I have absolutely nothing to say so I just shut up, whereas I used to have an opinion on everything.

But not everything is lost with these medications.  I listen more to others and actually hear what they say to me.  I am still very positive for I no longer dwell on the misfortunes I have had through my life.  And, although I remember the past, I do not linger there for prolonged periods of times wishing things were different, or that I had acted rather than reacted. I respect my relationships more as I am no longer self focused and selfish.  And I have learned to love in a different manner than before.  It is more mature, fuller, more meaningful, and taken much more seriously than in my previous life.  

But I do miss my creativity.